***************Disclaimer: this update is raw. It is direct and to the point; it contains new things I have discussed with on;y my therapist and sister (you’’’ see in a minute), and when it seemed appropriate to use “fowl” language, I did. Parental Discretion is advised. Seriously, if you are not ready to accept me for me, you might skip this one******************
I haven't updated my blog since Nov 11th, or two days after I started HRT, less than a month after I came out to the world on Facebook, before I became semi-reclusive. That was just almost 6 moths ago, and just like I asserted each time I came out to someone, I am the same person I have always been, but . . . I do realize that I may not be the same person you thought I was, and I may or may not have been that person then. The reality is that, though to myself I am the same person I have always been, I am definitely not the same person that anyone knew before I began living my truth, but only because I hid so much from everyone, even myself . **If you are confused, imagine how it has been to work all of this shit out in my head*** So then, who am I and furthermore, who and what does that effect? Well, I think I can answer the first part (I think), but the second is that constant unknown variable in life.
So, I am Olivia. At Christmas mom started calling me Livi so Dad did too (if you were not aware, I call Dan Benke Dad now. I don't think biological dad would be too upset, and if he is, he can get over it. Dad (new dad) never made me feel as if he thought I was weird or wrong, he never did anything different after I came out. He still loved me like I was his own, and even referred to me as his daughter.( So,yeah he is also a great dad).
I am a daughter, and a sister, or I consider myself one - touchy subject for another note/blog post or two. But I am now called both little sister and big sister; I discovered a brother and a sister who are not biological, but they both call me sister, and were the two people I was with when I found out biological dad had cancer when I was 15. I hope to be a fantastic aunt someday, but that is not up to me (another note/post as well), so I wait. I am a proud girly girl, I have always been, but as it is with most of who I am, I kept that hidden (even from myself for brief periods). My religious views have not changed. I am not a believer, I tried and wanted to have faith, but never found it (and that is ok for me). If you have faith I am happy for you and will not ask you to alter your religious beliefs. What I will ask is that you show me the same respect by not asking me to alter mine.
I like pop-music, and I always have. I successfully hid that for quite some time. I am currently on a Kesha kick (she has that admirable “ I don't give two fucks what you think of me attitude in her lyrics, literally in Crazy Kids "Kesha don't give two fucks") with a large side of Ariana Grande, and a sprinkling of current pop hits, but my favorite band is still Pearl Jam, followed by Mad Season who only slightly beat Alice in Chains for the number two spot, and my favorite song of the last 20ish years is till A track for Pearl Jam’s album Ten (and 100 dollars says that my best friend Jason Hart can still tell you what it is, ex-wife never could, so I would remind her that Jason could) (When I originally posted this as a Facebook note on May10, 2017, Jason was the first comment and that comment was "Porch", sadly no one had bet me). I no longer consider myself a musician, and I currently find no pleasure in playing the guitar, which has been rare in my life but could change. And, if you know someone who might want to purchase my motorcycle, I am trying to sell it (literally as you read this update) so tell them to contact me.
Oh, yeah this too, I am a woman, but I do say I am a girl quite often as well. In fact, I argue that since I am going through puberty (that is what happens on HRT) that I qualify as a teenage girl, so no one can tell me I should not shop in the juniors section. In case you missed it, I left out a word that is typically used to describe me. I did not call myself a transgender woman. No, I do not pass, but I have begun to have hope that I will fit in someday soon, I don't care if I pass, and the only person whose opinion matters about me passing is, well, me. Still, I am working to not label myself transgender; I am female and have always known that I am. The only time I will use the label as I continue on my life’s journey is when it is absolutely necessary like for the purposes of dating, and I will only need to do that if I begin to “pass” (if I get to a point where other people only see woman when I walk into a room). Everyone who loves me tries to see me this way and I thank you for that, but I know that there is a lingering sense of who I pretended to be in the concept all that one or two members of my inner circle hold of me. I understand, I too struggled to let that piece of my self-concept go, but I am in a place without those self-perceptions (if only I could consistently see pretty in the mirror the same way). So, I am not the same person I have always been, not really even as I see me ( I am, however, the person I always knew I was), and almost assuredly I am not the same person to most of my closest friends and family (those family members who accept me for me and did not abandon me for whatever reason they use to justify it to themselves, not so much hurt anymore as I am disappointed in their character, well all but one _in a blog post to come?) . I will offer an apology here to the ones who have stuck with me, not for being my true self, I remain and always will be unapologetic for living my truth in order to continue living, instead I apologize for taking from you a son, a brother, an uncle, and a friend (who is similar in many ways but honestly very different from the pretender) .But I am still here (I haven't been very sociable for a few months, I am about to address that too) and if you let me I will be a better and much happier daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. And though it will seem like I have new interests, (and Katherine Woodul Rettke said this as I struggled to express it a couple of weeks ago), I have the same interests I always have, I have really just begun embracing most of the ones I hid away for so long. Speaking of hiding away . . . (terrible transition Livi, weren't you an English major?)
So, starting sometime mid January, I almost entirely secluded myself, only spending face-to-face time with, and not that frequently, one of my oldest friends who, although she has known me as who I pretended to be (aka the pretender) since we were 12, she 100% only sees Olivia. In fact, she might kick your ass if you treat me like a joke or outcast, or make fun of me in front of her, or intentionally use my old name or the wrong pronouns ( and trust me, you’d lose, because though she is truly one of the most non-judgemental absolutely good-hearted people you’ll ever meet, she is also a certified badass). In fact, just the other day, sister (Becca Johnson, one of the two non-biological siblings I spoke of earlier) told me she felt for some reason that she needed to protect me, and that is something you don't stumble across everyday. As my transition has moved through its earliest stages, she has been for me a girlfriend (all girls need girlfriends), a sister, and a confidant who, for reasons I cannot explain, I am not afraid to share my most personal and embarrassing struggles and experiences in this journey, and she has never even blinked a sign of judget, thought she did laugh at me once, but I totally deserved it. (I am pretty open, however, and if a person wants to know something they should be ready to yell TMI). Still, especially for the first two months of the year, I saw her infrequently and for long periods saw only the people at the grocery store. This seclusion or what I called hermiting at the time, had nothing to do with hurt feelings or anything that in anyway relates to any of my friends and/or family, and sister is not replacing any friends, although I credit her with getting me out of not only the hermiting phase, but also out of the Pink Floyd T-shirt I wore almost everyday with no makeup and etc. I owe sister big for that. But I want to be clear that each of “the brothers, aka the horsemen” are more important to me than I can ever express.
Mostly hermiting was about the awkwardness of this second puberty and my need to solitarily work through who I was, who I am, and who i am becoming - like everyone I will always be working on this, but unlike most, over the last few months, I have ,with a realistic understanding of my life in the closet, been re-evaluating all of the truths and assertions I have made about me and, even right this minute, I have not yet figured it all out. This was not the intended purpose of my days and nights alone last winter. In fact, I really just did not want to be in early puberty and be around anyone. Still, as I wrote,and I wrote a lot, about myself, and how I got here, or there since I am still moving forward, I began to realize that there were/are things about me that are not true, they are things I convinced myself of, so that I could then convince others I was tough and masculine, so that no one would see the girly girl dying to be set free.
And this is where this post truly becomes an update ) I am going to be brutally honest now and I might get into some TMI kind of things _ I hope not to offend or shock anyone, but I warned you and if you are not ready for this bitch to get real, then turn back now:
Lets begin with a helping of TMI. if you see any of my posts on Facebook, you should be aware that Gender dysphoria has continuously gotten worse for me over the last month or two. If you struggle to understand, and why wouldn't you, what I mean when I say gender dysphoria then imagine yourself, imagine your least favorite part of your body, face, etc. imagine that not only what you just thought about was the entire shape of your face, because it caused people to assume your the opposite of your actual gender, but more important it made you see yourself either too feminine for a man or too masculine for a woman, then add to it and imagine you woke up one day and found on your body the genitals opposite your gender (that is my everyday). People joke they would never leave the house, wink wink, if they woke up like that, but unfortunately that is not how it feels to know your body is very wrong.
So, when I first came out, I announced some decisions to quite a few people. Among them was the decision that i would never have any type of surgeries due to the risks and costs associated. I did mean it, and I did believe it, but it was also a way to end any possibilities of discussing the topic. I say, and others do as well, that I am living my truth, so here is some raw truth. There are multiple surgeries I would/will have. They are for me, for my peace of mind, and my own concept of me. They are for no one else. Whatever you would ask at this point, the answer is 99% going to be yes. I would have SRS tomorrow if it were free or someone offered to pay for it. I would have facial feminization surgery the next day, there are several more but my point is that I was wrong before. **Please do not ask a person about their junk (transgender or not), and please do not attempt to start a discussion about the surgeries with me; if I want to talk about it with you, I will tell you.
I want to ask you to think about something at this point, but the question is rhetorical - If this shocks you or seems weird or wrong, do you truly see me as the woman I told you that I am? Do you truly accept me, or is it lip service, please do not answer in comments, or private message, or even in person. And, if my journey, and the changes it brings, is too much for you, I will be hurt but not angry when you mike the decision to walk away. I am often told that I had years to adjust to being transgendered, and that others need a little more time. No! No,that statement is total bullshit; I did not have years to adjust, I did have years to suffer through, but I have had the same amount of time to adjust to coming out transgender as anyone around me has, and although I know it effects other people, I promise it has effetd me much more. In fact, I actually had less time to adjust than I gave the inner circle before living full time, I waited 2 ½ months, but within three days of coming out, I had been outed to several people (something I made clear to the outer that I was not ready for) and unless you have come out you cannot understand how very, very deep something like that hurts~ digression over.
But wait there is more - and I cannot truly explain this one to you, because It still has me baffled and I have discussed it (at length) with myself (Lisa Cragar ,my therapist, says that a discussion of that sort does not make me crazy), with Lisa and with sister (Becca). However, nothing I asserted about this one in the past was a lie, I was being honest and believed with all my heart what I said then. But . . .
I am certain that I am a straight woman. (If this shocks you or seems weird or wrong, do you truly see me as the woman I told you that I am? Do you truly accept me, or is it lip service?) I thought that question bared repetition here. I did not hide an attraction for the opposite sex (remember my gender) when I was hiding the fact that I am female. I was always open about knowing when a guy was hot (I still argue that everyone sees beauty and attractiveness in both genders, regardless of their sexuality). I never pretended to be a straight man, I only pretended to be a man. How is that possible Livi? I have no fucking clue. Please remember, especially when talking with another trans woman or man, that gender and sexuality are not codependent, and more importantly that is is very rare for a person’s sexuality to change when they come out transgendered. I would be cute here and say I am special, but I do not see that. In fact, I do not think I was ever really attracted to women, which explains (for me) some of the issues in my failed marriage (side note~ regardless of the hurt or any other lingering emotional issues I have relating to my ex-wife, I have considered telling her all of this so that she knows some of our problems truly had nothing to do with whether or not she is attractive. It seems to me that letting her know that is the decent thing to do I do not hate her and wish her nothing but future happiness, and in her place, the knowledge would make me feel better. But, in reality, I am also not ready for this, or any discussion with her so I haven't and don't know if I will tell her any of this. She may find out from a reader of this update, but I hope that not to be the case. Yes, I feel bad for it, but no, I am in no way emotionally prepared to talk to her.)
This is very new to me my friends and readers. For a few months I accepted the idea/fact that I was asexual. It made the most sense. But, only about two weeks ago, while listening to “Into You” by Ariana Grande a thought ran through my mind, not about anyone specific but about guys in general. I was shocked and literally had to sit down. It was something I cannot remember thinking before. But, this does not just happen, regardless of my gender and how my birth defects caused a engendering at my birth. I am fairly well educated, sure it was NSU, but I had some very smart professors, and I used my time as a masters student to focus on gender studies (it was/is important to me). Gender and sexuality are not codependent, and people do not wake up one day with a different sexuality. People hid their true sexuality, but I know I never intentionally did that. I did consciously, however, hide anything about my true self, I hid anything that would reveal that I am female, and I hid much of it, as best I could, from me so that I could more easily hide it from others. My conclusion, and Lisa did not tell me I am wrong, is that I hid any sexual thoughts, any attractions, anything about it first from myself, and did it so well that I do not remember doing so. I know I would have thought that I needed to. But, I am, realistically, half way through this short life and I am definitely alright with myself. I refuse to be something for anyone other than me. That refusal has cost me some people, one family member that I frequently cry over losing, one friend I thought would never abandon me and whose reaction to hearing my truth still breaks my heart. I know the pain of being abandoned for being yourself, but I also know the pain of hiding yourself from even you.It will kill you, tried to kill me. So, I have, over the last two weeks, accepted the fact that I am a straight woman. If that is weird for anyone reading, refer back to the twice asked rhetorical question. If you think that makes me”gay” then you really do see me as a boy and I would ask/demeaned you keep that shit to yourself, and if this or any other part of who I am (I am a straight woman named Livi,who was mis-gendered at birth) offends you, you also need to keep that shit to yourself, because if you tell this bitch, you'll get this response, “fuck off!” Why? Because whop I am is not up for debate, and I am not ashamed of me. If I (my identity) offend you or you are ashamed of me, I do not know how we can maintain a relationship.
So, yeah, that has changed too. My attitude about putting me first, not much explanation of this change is needed; I have simply stopped trying to make everyone happy. Love me or don't, but I damn sure won't change for you or anyone else. I do still, literally against medical advice, put a few others ahead of me. But of course I do, I am still the same person right?
A note/post this long deserves an Epilogue
In the picture that goes with this post, I look quite different compared to last May (the picture is a bit older than that but an accurate image of me last May). I know that this applies to more than the way I look as well. However, if you look closely, and give me the chance, you'll see similarities (in looks and in everything else) that becoming the true version of me just doesn't change.
To the many people who support me and love me regardless of any societal labels - I love you dearly, and do not know what I would do without you, and to the several new friends I have made, thank you for not judging me on appearance or past and giving me the people (yourselves) who never knew the pretender, that is a wonderful gift and I love you all too.
xoxo ~ Livi
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