originally posted on 5/29/17
So, I really do hate to admit the circumstances around the "when" part of my name, but the nickname that has become standard is so great . . . .
You may or may not be aware that my already shaky marriage deteriorated quickly (honestly for me almost immediately, as I began looking for stage within 48 hours) after I came out to the ex-wife. FYI, the reasons for the lack of her name ore multiple, but the kind a respectful reason is that there will be readers of this who do not know who she is, let's maintain that for her. But, yes, I have some residual emotions I try to avoid. Anyway, when I told her, she asked what my female name was and I had to admit I had never chosen one, _ I had tried a few times, way more than a few actually in the 36 years of hiding, but each time I would settle on one it would turn out to be the name of some scandalous ho or worse.
The fact that I didn't have one made ex-wife happy and she told me that. The next day I worried all day about her coming home and asking me to leave, but that night instead of asking me to leave she went to a friends place (incidentally, fucking leaving me there with her mother who, yes, is fucking crazy and who immediacy joined the hate (inert old name) team, becoming team captain in a few short hours). And because I hold nothing back, I will share here with the world that ex-wife outed me without my consent for the first time (yes it happened more than once more) that night to her friend_ Let me admit that I was a very,very, shitty husband but she . . . another post? maybe not).
Anyway, from that night forward I was done, if YOU are reading this, yes that did it (that and a few of the things you said repeatedly to me, but that more than anything else, you outed mew multiple times less than a month after I attempted suicide, and you couldn't trust me????? really????? (See I'm still not over it, not sure I can be) So the day after she first outed me, and I was angrier with her than I'd ever been with anyone, I decided the best way to spite her was to pick a name.
I decided to keep my initials (they are tattooed on my left forearm in Norse Runes) so I started looking for names starting with O, later, ex-wife would suggest I choose another nordic name, she thought maybe Olga. What the actual fuck?, you really didn't know me. I digress
I almost immediately settled on Olivia. First, it is a really pretty name and that made me happy, and second, I kept hearing the little girl (on an episode of Law and Order SVU, I used to watch TV) say Olivia and be comforted that the character Olivia would save her. I liked that too, so Olivia I am. And, yeah its very fucked up that my name is, in part, born of spite, but just the first name, and only when not shortened into a nickname, and that like my middle name is born of love, the purest, and in the wizarding world, most protective love - a mother's love.
So, mom was struggling with Olivia last Christmas, came up it Livi, dad (my stepfather more than deserves to be called dad and I am honored to call him that) started saying it, and it stuck with them. I told a few people, they picked it up, and to many I am now Livi. So, when you think about it (I actually just thought about it this way and started to cry, happy tears) my momma named me after all. (6/4/2017 while editing, this made me cry happy again).
To anyone who teared alLittle at that , I am sorry in advance for this next bit.
I did not keep my initials. I know, I know I was the fourth - Jonhn Bobb - (I leave a scrap of anonymity) even chastised me for changing my first name as it was a family name, but he can fuck off anyway because he wasn't upset by that, he just couldn't accept his friend and continue loving her (yes I feel that way, no I dont think some people just need time to adjust, I think some people are jus- and the initials are tattooed (unless you read runes, however, they look more like my new initials. So, if you remember the part about ex-psycho-in law and her hatred of me, (ex-wife insisted we tell her (she had been there since my attempt) immediately after reacting horribly to my telling her. I was alone and it was the hardest time in recent history (they literally made me consider attempt number two in those first 48hours (yeah, residual anger stirs). I have never ever felt that alone, and would not wish it upon anyone (and I try to use Avada Kedavra, the killing curse, quite frequently in traffic. BUT Sometimes there are much worse things than being the by yourself definition of alone.
I was not ready for anyone else to know, I feared a bad reaction, but not nearly as bad as the reaction ex-wife had, and had planned to tel ex-wife and then think about where it would take me (I really never thought I would be me full-time, but I am so happy to be here). But I was too alone, so who does any girl (even one who has always pretended to be a boy) turn to in crisis? Indeed, I called my momma. I never thought she would abandon me, but was worried because my momma is a devout Christian. She is not, however,the kind of christian (intentional small c) who judges, I mean she gets the point (if you don't love everyone without judgment and hell is real, you are totally fucked _ it is a paraphrase, but I think that was the crux of how Jesus wanted people to treat each other) and doesn't use it to justify bigotry like some of my other relatives. But she is devout in her belief, and well- how would she react? (as an FYI, I am not a believer, but I know scripture pretty well and use that to my advantage when I feel attacked on the basis of misunderstood biblical messages).
She told me it would be ok, that she would always be there for me, and that although she really didn't understand and needed to read and learn, I would always be her child. (be there she has more than anyone, especially me, deserves)
Mom sometimes struggles with my name and with pronouns, but she is the first Ally I found, and she is still one of my strongest my allies (see the part about the restroom in the Post this linked from) I am, more than the word can describe, proud that my name is Olivia Cynthia Standley and I am named, in part, after my mother Cynthia (Cindy). If you have met her you liked her and she was as sweet as she could be to you, and she actually meant it. She never met a stranger and she loves her daughter regardless of what any other stupid fucker, relative or not, thinks (she'd never say that word, and when reading this, is not I happy I just did by the way) .
So, that's how I got a new name when I was 40 years old
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