Today is Memorial Day; it is supposed to be a day of memory. Although originally celebrated almost exclusively as a day to remember the sacrifices of American Soldiers (that is still the official reason for the Holiday), it is also a day to remember lost loved ones (and for many to recover from a hangover). So, on my first memorial day since I stopped pretending/living as The Pretender), I want to lay a proverbial wreath at the memory of the pretender in the hopes that the people I love can do so with me in order to let go of that idea of who I am, and more importantly, so that I and hopefully you can move forward with me, with Livi (the true me). I understand that my transition has/is effected/ing those who love me ( there are/will be some who loved an idea of me, or who possibly loved The Pretender, but who absolutely do not love me ~ to them I suppose this is a goodbye letter or a eulogy). But, even in that case, this is intended to be a positive look back, and we should all be happy for The Pretender (if he had known that I would be actually seeing pretty in the mirror ~i just had happy tears for him).
I know that my coming out and the beginnings of my transition could (no one has said this) essentially mean that I killed your son, brother, uncle, and friend -at least the idea you had of him (appropriate, but still seems so odd to type). But I promise I liberated your daughter, sister, aunt and friend from what was almost a life sentence in the, for lack of a better word, closet. It was so dark in that closet, and it is so warm and sunny out here, please try to be happy for The Pretender (it's nice to be out of the dark).
Still, that shit head had to go . . .
For me, it was stop pretending or be successful at suicide (not that I didn't do my best nearly a year ago).
I know that my coming out and the beginnings of my transition could (no one has said this) essentially mean that I killed your son, brother, uncle, and friend -at least the idea you had of him (appropriate, but still seems so odd to type). But I promise I liberated your daughter, sister, aunt and friend from what was almost a life sentence in the, for lack of a better word, closet. It was so dark in that closet, and it is so warm and sunny out here, please try to be happy for The Pretender (it's nice to be out of the dark).
Still, that shit head had to go . . .
For me, it was stop pretending or be successful at suicide (not that I didn't do my best nearly a year ago).
No, I am not proud of my attempted suicide, but just because some jackass says/thinks I am, I will not stop talking about it. It helps me to not forget where I was in comparison to where I am, and I hope, in the near future, to be able to use my story to promote/help suicide prevention. Mine was not solely about pretending to be something I wasn't, there were numerous contributing factors to the ideation in my irrational state. However, the cornerstone of my depression (a depression I battled for so long, almost certainly even as a child) was the fact that I was not being who I knew I was. BUT ENOUGH of that, I want this to be a positive post, a happy remembrance of the goofy fucker so many people loved ( the party has never started until I walked in).
Contrary to the ex-wife's beliefs, nothing was a lie. There was definitely a big secret kept form everyone, and the personas shifted quite often in an attempt to find a masculinity that was comfortable enough ( there wasn't one). But if are someone who was important to The Pretender, someone he loved, I still carry the same feelings for you ~that was all real and truthful - - Not all of them. There are those who I no longer love, but the love was real. And though The Pretender's proclivity to hold grudges is alive and well. I am trying and have let go of a few really old ones ( I no longer hate N.L. mom, crazy right?), but they have unfortunately been replaced. I would lie if I said I thought I could let go of those feelings - - . but,
Livi (~side note on my name and nickname) still loves you, she just needs you to see past him and begin to see her. I have almost all of the same likes and interests, and though I appear to have new ones, they were always there hidden form view. I can still tell you the hot fashion trends of the decades gone by, and when they changed (I hope some come back I wanted to be a part). The Pretender even had quite a few of the hottest trend items of clothing (at least once there were my own funds and vehicle). There was always a girly girl dying to come out of there. I can also still talk Star Wars, like quoting Wookiepedia kind of Star Wars nerd conversations, The Cubs won the Fucking World Series last year ( I agree with Kurtis Rogers, if there really is a reason I survived that has to be it). I am actually listening to Ten as I type this (Pearl Jam's first album) and I cried when i saw that Chris Cornell died (and again when I read how he died), but I like to think he and Andy are roommates somewhere (Google it, but if you know, see I'm still musically and in part culturally stuck in the early 90's).
The core of who I am has not changed, but things are different. I understand that in my writing I seem in constant anger (writing is a therapeutic outlet healthier than punching things), but I am so, so, so, so much happier now. It literally hurts and makes m tear up to remember the sorrow I/he carried for so long. I am proud, very proud, to say that I am my mother's daughter and very much like her, but in reality that isn't new,. I have always been like my mother (and always been proud of that). The Pretender always wanted to change the world, to make it a better place. That desire found a cause in college and he worked hard to effect positive change and make things better for current and future Oklahoma College Students. I still want to change the world, not only for current and future trans people (although that is personal so yeah), but also to make it a nicer place in general. A place where all people can, through open dialogue, understand each other and be cool with our differences. (If you tell me I can't or won't change the world, I will tell you to fuck off I have proof) (also, I am a strong proponent of of open dialogue and healthy debate, so if I wont argue civilly, if I seem unreasonable, and if you are my friend, you might consider trying to find out what happened or what else is wrong - things might be different if someone had the other day). That has not changed, if Kurtis is reading this he can tell you that although the Pretender was always too fucking sensitive (I think you'd at least have said that when we were both much younger Rex), something was wrong when he was unreasonable ~ok, unless he was drunk then unreasonable was best case scenario - thanks for always taking care of drunk pretender Kurtis sincerely thank you). Speaking of drunk, I still no longer drink, haven't except on a few occasions, for a while now. My nephew is still my all-time favorite person . . . I had to stop for a bit, and I nearly deleted that last sentence as this is supposed to be positive, but I have to say that Jayden actually gave the Pretender, gave me, something to live for at a time when I/he was done with it all (there were many of those times, but only the one attempt). The proudest moments of the Pretender's life, they might sound silly and will definitely piss of the ex-wife, were when the kid wouldn't let hardly anyone but his favorite Uncle hold him at his first birthday party, the first time he said (Owaf, it was Christmas day and that;s the only time you'll oversee me type that name) , and seeing the joy when the favorite Uncle (sorrynotsorry Nick) was able to give him a power wheel truck on his second birthday
Contrary to the ex-wife's beliefs, nothing was a lie. There was definitely a big secret kept form everyone, and the personas shifted quite often in an attempt to find a masculinity that was comfortable enough ( there wasn't one). But if are someone who was important to The Pretender, someone he loved, I still carry the same feelings for you ~that was all real and truthful - - Not all of them. There are those who I no longer love, but the love was real. And though The Pretender's proclivity to hold grudges is alive and well. I am trying and have let go of a few really old ones ( I no longer hate N.L. mom, crazy right?), but they have unfortunately been replaced. I would lie if I said I thought I could let go of those feelings - - . but,
Livi (~side note on my name and nickname) still loves you, she just needs you to see past him and begin to see her. I have almost all of the same likes and interests, and though I appear to have new ones, they were always there hidden form view. I can still tell you the hot fashion trends of the decades gone by, and when they changed (I hope some come back I wanted to be a part). The Pretender even had quite a few of the hottest trend items of clothing (at least once there were my own funds and vehicle). There was always a girly girl dying to come out of there. I can also still talk Star Wars, like quoting Wookiepedia kind of Star Wars nerd conversations, The Cubs won the Fucking World Series last year ( I agree with Kurtis Rogers, if there really is a reason I survived that has to be it). I am actually listening to Ten as I type this (Pearl Jam's first album) and I cried when i saw that Chris Cornell died (and again when I read how he died), but I like to think he and Andy are roommates somewhere (Google it, but if you know, see I'm still musically and in part culturally stuck in the early 90's).
The core of who I am has not changed, but things are different. I understand that in my writing I seem in constant anger (writing is a therapeutic outlet healthier than punching things), but I am so, so, so, so much happier now. It literally hurts and makes m tear up to remember the sorrow I/he carried for so long. I am proud, very proud, to say that I am my mother's daughter and very much like her, but in reality that isn't new,. I have always been like my mother (and always been proud of that). The Pretender always wanted to change the world, to make it a better place. That desire found a cause in college and he worked hard to effect positive change and make things better for current and future Oklahoma College Students. I still want to change the world, not only for current and future trans people (although that is personal so yeah), but also to make it a nicer place in general. A place where all people can, through open dialogue, understand each other and be cool with our differences. (If you tell me I can't or won't change the world, I will tell you to fuck off I have proof) (also, I am a strong proponent of of open dialogue and healthy debate, so if I wont argue civilly, if I seem unreasonable, and if you are my friend, you might consider trying to find out what happened or what else is wrong - things might be different if someone had the other day). That has not changed, if Kurtis is reading this he can tell you that although the Pretender was always too fucking sensitive (I think you'd at least have said that when we were both much younger Rex), something was wrong when he was unreasonable ~ok, unless he was drunk then unreasonable was best case scenario - thanks for always taking care of drunk pretender Kurtis sincerely thank you). Speaking of drunk, I still no longer drink, haven't except on a few occasions, for a while now. My nephew is still my all-time favorite person . . . I had to stop for a bit, and I nearly deleted that last sentence as this is supposed to be positive, but I have to say that Jayden actually gave the Pretender, gave me, something to live for at a time when I/he was done with it all (there were many of those times, but only the one attempt). The proudest moments of the Pretender's life, they might sound silly and will definitely piss of the ex-wife, were when the kid wouldn't let hardly anyone but his favorite Uncle hold him at his first birthday party, the first time he said (Owaf, it was Christmas day and that;s the only time you'll oversee me type that name) , and seeing the joy when the favorite Uncle (sorrynotsorry Nick) was able to give him a power wheel truck on his second birthday
Look at that smile . . . those are still my proudest moment of all time and the kid will always be my very most favorite person. This is a positive Post, but I just finished crying harder that I can remember, so maybe in another Post - probably not. (I stand by the assertion that I am still infinitely happier than I have ever been (put that into perspective),
If you are holding onto the/a memory of The Pretender he isn't really gone. He isn't even hidden away the part, the idea, that made him, well him, was always a facade. The Pretender was always She, she was just too afraid to tell you . . . what if she lost someone important because she did? But I share those memories with you, even with the secret, and the depression, the Pretender had some great times. I am actually surprised Kurtis and I lived through the tail end of the 90's, but fucking A we had some fun gettin our kicks in before the whole shithouse went up in flames. Jason, same sentiment, just the next decease Summer 06, I would relive that in heartbeat, but if nothing else, and something else should have, that summer should have killed us.
He was, most of the time, a fun-loving (on the surface, but at times completely, menace to sobriety who was just along for the ride. If he loved you, he would do anything for you, he would stand an defend you even if he thought or knew you were wrong. He truly believed that he could never be herself, never be pretty, and never truly be happy. There have been a few, a handful, of people who say they think he did die out on the Illinois river last June, and that Olivia or Livi got a chance to live. I'm not really sure, how I feel about it, but it seemed to help them embrace me. He could be a real asshole, a grade A dick, but even when he meant it, even hen it was called for, it still made him feel terrible. She still is most of those things. She's just more than that now. But she still carries the spirit of who we memorialize here today.
He was more passive that she has become, but he would tell you to look past the idea of him and to see her. To see her for who she always has been, the same old friend slightly modified (ok a little more than slightly), and he would ask you to be happy for him, to be happy with her. He would ask you to be happy that after so long the hiding is over and it's not dark anymore. He would threaten to kick your ass if your weren't patient with her during these early stages of transition, and he wold say, "for fuck same use the right name and pronouns, it can be the difference between a good and a shitty day". and is it was a true memorial he would be super pissed off that no one remembered to play The Doors' version of Adagio in G minor and Shine on You Crazy Diamond (yes the whole fucking thing!)
But this is not a true memorial because I am typing this, and I have always been the person this is about - I was just afraid to say to anyone' "hey I'm really a girl, If I were to be myself could we still be friends, would you still love me?" So lets end with the real positives - you my friends and family who answered yes. I suffered both surprising (cant explain the level of shock still kind of surprising) losses because I finally had to say what is in quotes above. There really was no choice. But, I am so fortunate, I know too many trans people both MTF and FTM (if you have to Google it, really? you oldness learn just a little to understand me a tiny bit? He would be so disappointed), too many who lost not one or two, but their entire families, the majority of trier friends. I was recently told by someone without a clue how hard,that I have hard road ahead - that is without doubt, but I have support (I need it with what I got going on) and I have a lot of support from all directions. My typically non-confrontational miter loudly asserted that her daughter would use the women room the Kyle Tx, Kohls, and that she "better not hear a damn word." That was my favorite Christmas present last year. I have a multitude of friends who stand with me, who answered yes, even almost all the real assholes I a Friends with. Don't be sad and mourn the loss of The Pretender, I didn't go anywhere (unless we were married, then yeah, I left), but otherwise, I am right here, I just stopped pretending. I can usually still take a joke at my expense (If I dont, it was poor taste, or something else is wrong). I am also way more open without the whole hiding thing, sometimes, and for some, I am far too open. DO NOT WALK ON FUCKING EGGSHELLS, IT WILL NOT IN THE LEAST FLICKING BUT BENEFIT EITHER OF US. Just be prepared if you as a question, because I'm not embarrassed about any part of what makes me me, the very few things I do hold back are for our mutual benefit, but they are very, very few.
So, if you stuck with me (shit this one was long), I ask you to celebrate your memory of The Pretender by simply not fucking going anywhere and creating new memories with the woman he always was anyway.
XOXO ~Livi
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