Happy and thankful to be Alive 

(originally posted to Facebook notes on Nov 2, 2016)

To continue my narrative . . First, I am so thankful for the support that so many of you have given me. Many people have asked me what prompted my coming out, and I keep coming back to the same answer. On June 30th I attempted suicide. Some have asked why, and that is hard to answer. I can tell you that the irrational logic that precedes suicide seems totally logical at the time. There were multiple triggers that I can point to, and hiding my gender identity was a huge underlying factor of my depression at the time. If I could point to one specific reason for the attempt, I would lay it out in this post. All I know is that all of the reasons that were swirling through my brain seemed like legitimate reasons that day. 

I intentionally went where no one would find me. I spent money on my debit card in Wagoner (knowing people would use that to locate me), then rode my motorcycle the opposite way and went to a little spot I knew on the Illinois River near Tahlequah. I made sure the bike was not visible from the road, and then I walked down river about ½ mile. I have read that some people find peace once they have decided to end their lives, but Than never happened with me. I was in turmoil the entire time. At the time I took Xanax for panic attacks and had filled my prescription the day before. I found a quiet spot, took the entire bottle, around 50 pills, laid down and cut my right wrist from elbow to hand (I did not cut the left because I like my tattoo as strange as that sounds). I went to sleep . . . 

I woke up in the dark scared, confused, and surprised to be alive. I honestly cannot pin down the reason I did not try to finish myself off that night, but I am thankful I didn’t. I could not find my way off the river, and had left my phone 9nd all other personal effects) in the fork bag of the motorcycle. I tied something around my arm, and stumbled around in the dark looking for a way out. I wouldn’t find it until around 11am the next morning. I think of it as my rock bottom, and I did fall onto the rocks of the river bank several times (I also slept on the rocks of the river bank, off and on that night.

When I did make it off river, I rode the motorcycle to what was home at the time. I spent the day in the hospital here in Tulsa, and then the next week in Parkside mental health facility (the staff there were very awesome) I had already decided I did not want to die, but I was still scared to live at the time. In Parkside I started a non-narcotic medicine for panic attacks and thought a lot about my life. So, I came out to my therapist a week or so later, I cried because I had never told anyone I am trans. I decided that I had to live for me, and not concern myself with what others would think. I needed to do whatever it took to be happy in my life. 

There are still bad things in life, but I know that they are just situations and I have learned to overcome my anxiety and panic attacks. I look for the good in everything, and I do not focus on negative things. 

Coming out was so much different than I had feared. I thought people would reject me, make fun of me, and etc. So many people have offered words of encouragement and support. I am grateful and I know I am fortunate. I am now living full-time as the girl I have always known I am. I never wanted to be a girl, rather I wanted to stop pretending to be a boy. Being trans is only one aspect of me and my life, but living authentically to myself has helped me find happiness. Nothing will ever be perfect, but I never want to be in the place I was on June 30th. 

My sincere hope is that through my story I can help others and prevent people from hurting themselves the way that I did.